Wednesday, June 24, 2009

breakdown came early.

I would just like to say that no matter what the challenge with Viv... it's all worth it to me. YES I get way overwhelmed (who wouldn't with all these appointments), but she is my world. I often feel as though I don't get enough support from Andy, but I believe he doesn't fully understand the toll this all takes on me. I still feel as though I did something wrong during my pregnancy and that I did this to her, even though I've been told by each of her doctors many times that I didn't do this to her. I stay at home with her every day, I am her primary caregiver... so when she is screaming in pain, I feel I brought it on to her. When she has a new sore, I feel I gave it to her because her sores come from trauma to her skin and if I'm her caregiver and the only one with her... how else could she have had trauma to her skin? YES I lose sleep over this, not just because I feel I did this to her, but because of the guilt I feel I am tearing apart my relationship. Andy works so hard to support us with me not being to work. We are definitely struggling to make ends meet still, but in no way do I blame that on him. He works so much and wants to go out on weekends and has plans every weekend. I get incredibly upset over it. When do I get my time to go out? Sure I can go out with friends and bring Genevieve with... and I do... quite often, but for my piece of mind, I need time for myself without her so I can clear my thoughts for once without having to clear them through a breakdown (which even then doesnt clear them completely). When does Viv get quality time with her daddy? He works so hard, he deserves his time with his friends. But at the same time, what time do Viv and I get with him? He gets home from work at about 7 730. We eat, do her bath, he does her bandages, showers and goes to bed cuz by then its about 11pm. Then on weekends he comes home with that schedule then goes out til 2 or 3am. He normally works Saturdays too. Sundays are usually our only day with him. Am I not supposed to feel upset over that? I hate knowing my child prefers me over her dad. She needs her daddy. And I know it hurts him when she's screaming and he cant figure out what's wrong or how to make her feel better... then the second I take her she is fine. I have tried to tell him how I feel (politely and calmly), and it never gets through to him it seems. I have bitched many times about it and that doesn't help. What do I do at this point? Leave? Lay down and die (in a sense of continuing to feel as though I get no support with her and no life of my own outside of her)? I am so terrified of doing this on my own. I am not emotionally prepared for that with her skin. Every time they go to tell me that something else is wrong, or that she needs a new medication I literally zone out because I am already so stressed out and she doesnt deserve all these problems. I did the same thing in the hospital every time a doctor came to my room to talk about Viv. At least at the hospital Andy was there to listen to know what was wrong. Now, I just pick up the new meds and read the inserts as to whats going on when I get home. I am not a religious person by any means, but I know I wouldnt be given anything that I cannot handle. With that being said though, let me just say that I am at my breaking point, emotionally. For Genevieve, I will not give up. She is my world, my everything, and without her I'm nothing.

I guess my breakdown Thursday is a breakdown early Wednesday instead.


  1. My mom told me something the other day that may or may not help you. We were at the zoo talking about kids (since we were surrounded by them) and she said that if I ever felt like I was going crazy (with my kids when ever I have them) I could call her and she would take care of them so I could get away from it all for a few hours. I don't know if your mom would do that for you, or if you have anyone who would, but (and this is probably a daunting prospect) you need to find someone who will do that for you. For your sanity, the sake of your relationship with Andy, and the sake of y our relationship with Genevieve. You won't be doing anyone any good if you have a serious breakdown. I know I don't have kids, and I'm not going through this, and you'd probably just like me to shut the hell up. This is just my two cents. Find someone, anyone you trust, that can take Genevieve even for an hour or two so you can have some peaceful time to yourself. I know you can get through this. *hugs for you and Genevieve*

  2. Aw, hon. I'm so sorry. I know it's super rough for you all & you seem to handle things so gracefully. It sounds like maybe Andy is handling things in his own way, even though it's not much help to you. I'm sure he's just as overwhelmed & that's probably why he's always out. Of course that's not very fair to you & you definitely need some "me" time too. I'm guessing you have family nearby, either yours or his. Anyone you could start showing her routines to, that you trust would do it the right way, so you could leave her with them for a bit? I know she cries & wants her mommy & that's the hardest thing to see, but if she's exposed to another potential caregiver (Daddy, too) more frequently she might be easier to pass off? Maybe you could try "baby steps"? Like run out for 30 mins on a Sunday when Andy's watching her. Just tell him you need to go grab a Coke or something?

    I'm so sorry! Viv's getting better & stronger all the time though & the 2 of you have such a special relationship, I know you'll handle this hurdle well too. You didn't do anything to her, but you ARE doing everything FOR her and that is an amazing thing.


  3. Anna, you seem to be putting all your time and effort into caring for your daughter. She has a rare skin problem that is making life tougher for you but you have been handling it so well! Of course there are going to be hard times but you can't think you did this to her. You are such a wonderful mother and it's amazing what you are doing for her. You are a stay at home mom, you are so understanding with Andy and how he needs to get away (though it's not really fair to you), and you are always there for your daughter. You've sacrificed so much to care for her and give her everything she needs. There really isn't much more you could do for her because as far as I can see, you are doing everything that can be done. Stay strong! <3 Deanna