I would just like to say that no matter what the challenge with Viv... it's all worth it to me. YES I get way overwhelmed (who wouldn't with all these appointments), but she is my world. I often feel as though I don't get enough support from Andy, but I believe he doesn't fully understand the toll this all takes on me. I still feel as though I did something wrong during my pregnancy and that I did this to her, even though I've been told by each of her doctors many times that I didn't do this to her. I stay at home with her every day, I am her primary caregiver... so when she is screaming in pain, I feel I brought it on to her. When she has a new sore, I feel I gave it to her because her sores come from trauma to her skin and if I'm her caregiver and the only one with her... how else could she have had trauma to her skin? YES I lose sleep over this, not just because I feel I did this to her, but because of the guilt I feel I am tearing apart my relationship. Andy works so hard to support us with me not being to work. We are definitely struggling to make ends meet still, but in no way do I blame that on him. He works so much and wants to go out on weekends and has plans every weekend. I get incredibly upset over it. When do I get my time to go out? Sure I can go out with friends and bring Genevieve with... and I do... quite often, but for my piece of mind, I need time for myself without her so I can clear my thoughts for once without having to clear them through a breakdown (which even then doesnt clear them completely). When does Viv get quality time with her daddy? He works so hard, he deserves his time with his friends. But at the same time, what time do Viv and I get with him? He gets home from work at about 7 730. We eat, do her bath, he does her bandages, showers and goes to bed cuz by then its about 11pm. Then on weekends he comes home with that schedule then goes out til 2 or 3am. He normally works Saturdays too. Sundays are usually our only day with him. Am I not supposed to feel upset over that? I hate knowing my child prefers me over her dad. She needs her daddy. And I know it hurts him when she's screaming and he cant figure out what's wrong or how to make her feel better... then the second I take her she is fine. I have tried to tell him how I feel (politely and calmly), and it never gets through to him it seems. I have bitched many times about it and that doesn't help. What do I do at this point? Leave? Lay down and die (in a sense of continuing to feel as though I get no support with her and no life of my own outside of her)? I am so terrified of doing this on my own. I am not emotionally prepared for that with her skin. Every time they go to tell me that something else is wrong, or that she needs a new medication I literally zone out because I am already so stressed out and she doesnt deserve all these problems. I did the same thing in the hospital every time a doctor came to my room to talk about Viv. At least at the hospital Andy was there to listen to know what was wrong. Now, I just pick up the new meds and read the inserts as to whats going on when I get home. I am not a religious person by any means, but I know I wouldnt be given anything that I cannot handle. With that being said though, let me just say that I am at my breaking point, emotionally. For Genevieve, I will not give up. She is my world, my everything, and without her I'm nothing.
I guess my breakdown Thursday is a breakdown early Wednesday instead.